Good Morning Miss Undercover Chaper 1

At the present my heart was like a dead ash. I just wanted to find a wall to end my miserable life. Yet, a gorgeously dressed Lilisha opposite me was still immersed in joy of wounding my feelings. Her bright red lips did not cease talking as if she was enjoying seeing me so distracted.

She surely must think that I was falling out of love. Though, the truth was I was going to be jobless in a very near future.

“Mary, you really are a fool. How could you fall for young master Long? Don’t you know that he is doing that with various little boys on nightly basis?”

“Re-realy?”

“This cannot be a lie. Mama-san personally told me. I heard the shadow boss of An is Deng Long. Oh, it’s good like this – convenient for myself and also for others.  It is said that An’s main theme ‘All comrades¹ in the world are one family’ was specifically proposed by Deng Long.”

An is the largest homosexual bar in A city – it keeps itself low-key but it does not lack luxury. I heard people say that circle is a place where tigers crouch and dragons hide². What’s more, it wasn’t short of powerful figures.

I didn’t expect to actually encounter a black dragon who eats only men and not women, myself.

I bent down my head and glanced at the two meat buns under my neck. I sadly realized that it was too late for me to sign up for a plastic surgery. Within a short period of time I couldn’t possibly change from a little girl to a little boy.

No matter how much effort I would exert, I could at most only change to a little girl that sells little boys.

I was facing an almost impossible task.

Lilisha moved closer to me and said very mysteriously: “It’s well-known that Deng Long hates women. As he explains it, if he did a woman it would be like eating thousands of flies. He would even harbor suicide thoughts afterward.”

That really blowed me away. Crossing my legs, I couldn’t help but coldly snort, “So, does it mean that as long as his enemies send him women that would stick onto him, he would commit a suicide on the following day?”

Lilisha blanked for a moment, then smiled wickedly at me. With an enchanting posture, she lit a cigarette “If condition allows it, you can think it over.”

I solemnly nodded my head, every now and then smiling evilly to express my praise, hinting her I held the same opinion as her – if one couldn’t get it, one would rather destroy it, crushing other men’s chances.

Of course I’m still sulking.

In a world where one drowns oneself in sensual pleasures, women always possessed seductive lips, vicious teeth and, of course, a beautiful cloak that covered it all. I wasn’t even the slightest bit baffled. I was only baffled at why the boss of Mei Se nightclub and supervisor of all sexy ladies, Deng Long, was a damned gay that didn’t like women.

I was truly mad.

So important information, yet to one’s surprise, no one in the office got hold of it or did find it on Baidu³. And I, the brilliant agent Fang, was degraded to be miss Mary for almost a week, making almost no contributions. I couldn’t find any opportunity to approach Deng Long at all.

Just because I wasn’t a damned mister Mary.

I looked up to the sky from 45 degree angle. Suddenly, I understood that I, Fang Liang Liang, was not here to be an undercover agent but to be a clown.

My mood dropped to the lowest point. Before I could hit myself against the wall to end my absurd life, mama-san opened the door with a whoosh and after a brief glance, her sharp eyes landed on me and Lilisha. She opened her bloody red lips, opening and closing them like a heartless ATM money machine “What, did I invite you to come here to chat and crack melon seeds? Go out to work!”

After lioness roared out, old fox Lilisha lazily stood up, twisted her lithe body – twisted and twisted –  until she appeared by mama-san’s side, sweetly laughing, “Mama-san, I wasn’t lazing around. My regular customer president Wang came. He is awfully fond of melon seeds scent in my mouth. Last time he even asked me which brand I was usually cracking. I told him fool melon seeds and could you guess what he said?” Lilisha lifted corners of her mouth and smiled improperly, “Whenever I escort him, he would let me crack some melon seeds first to moisten my mouth. He said that it’s quite nourishing.”

The corners of the mouths of people present twitched. Mama-san kicking her butt snarled “Next time before going out, brush your teeth clean first! You’re making Mei Se a bad name.”

Lilisha laughed, even more pleased with herself.

The person under the eaves has no choice but to bow her head. As I was smiling apologetically while passing mama-san, her strict glance still ruthlessly dwelled on me. She was on the verge of breaking out her roar of a lioness. I knew even without guessing by a toe that rookie was forever a quail inside the vegetable basin of the ruling class, delicious yet without resistance.

A rookie indeed had no power to resist. However, that didn’t mean it also had no power to commit mischief.

Without waiting for her ferocious mouth to open, I already jumped before her to strike first so that I could have an upper hand. I giggled: “Mama, I haven’t cracked melon seeds. You can try to smell my breath.”

While speaking, I leaned close to her and opened my mouth to exhale the breath to let her inspect. But, Mama-san has already moved a step backward with an expression of a revulsion. She wrinkled her eyebrows and waved her hand, “Go, go. Give me a break and don’t bother me.”

It was very late at night – 23:35. The location was A city’s most luxurious nightclub. My identity was no longer a fearless and formidable agent Fang. Instead, I was a newly arrived drinking lady⁴. I was no longer dressed in a well ironed police uniform, but a miniskirt that was put together by few pieces of rags. The lacking material made me feel  empty and lonely.

Wearing a brown wig and a make up which was so heavy that my facial features couldn’t be distinguished, I was a spitting image of a tabby cat that came out from some alley. I wanted to bite to death that damned homosexual Deng Long.

At this very moment, I could only pose as a valiant woman. In my head hovered a very profound question: If I was able, like miss Zhu Ying Tai⁵, to learn to wrap my full bosom three times with a cloth, would I get close to that authentic gay, brother Deng Long?

I hesitated. The ancient brother Liang Shan Bo’s⁶ IQ was so low that he surpassed all others of his kind before and since. Even to this day it was hard to find someone to outmatch him. Brother Deng was, I am afraid, a little harder to handle than brother Liang.

He wasn’t so easily to fool.

However, this could be counted as an excellent plan. Me, who was surrounded by barren hills and treacherous rapids with no strategy left to try, was having second thoughts. I reckon that perhaps I should give it a try. If I got the information, I would immediately run. If I didn’t, I would simply need to change myself into a mother lioness and force myself on him at worst. As a victim of a rape, he would likely say or do something to satisfy me.

Just when I was zealously thinking, Lilisha stretched out her head from box 313, waving her hand and calling me: “Mary, hurry up, boss Shen is waiting for us.”

When I heard the two words ‘boss Shen’, my legs immediately began to shake violently.

He was a strange person. No, a moody old freak – a weather that was favorable just earlier on would in the next moment become furious. One had no idea what had ruined him during his youth to turn him into such a rainstorm personality. What was more frightening was that I worked six days a week and he has been continuously choosing me for three days straight.

Thinking of that wrinkled old face with it’s dull expression, the me who was in the past considered as brave, peerless and misfortune-turning-to-blessing agent Fang became powerless when facing a five millennium old legacy that was passed down by ancestors – respect the old and cherish the young. I could only very boldly curse outside the door „You damned old fool“ , but after entering in I end up calling him affectionately, „Xiao Shen, you came?“ like a spineless coward.

Ever since ‘Xiao Shen Yang⁷‘ got famous, old fool suavely expressed that since everyone wanted to respect the old and cherish the young then everyone mustn’t be so formal with him and should call him ‘Xiao Shen’. What’s more, he didn’t want stingy adjectives. He claimed that there was no harm in adding ‘old but vigorous’ in front of ‘Xiao Shen’. The more his wisdom was displayed, the better.

Old but vigorous Xiao Shen was staring at me with an expression of an old wolf. Just as in the past, I skillfully put on a pretty smile, sat down and slightly maintained a distance from the old geezer. Using a voice that made even me disgusted, I said, “Xiao Shen, we have agreed that we won’t drink today. Let’s play a rock-paper-scissors game.”

„Good, good, my little Mary, anything you say.“ In an amiable manner, the old geezer patted my slim shoulder. Goose-bumps raised over my body in a split second. I tensed up, my eyeballs having a hard time not rolling up.

The hand of perverted old geezer was moving up little by little. I tensed up even more. My fists were unconsciously clenched tightly. I mockingly smiled, holding a breath.

I endured being eaten tofu⁸ by him for a week. Anyway, the possibility of accomplishing this mission was small. I have decided to do the kidnapping before leaving the place.  I honestly felt depressed.

“What? What’s this? It’s actually a wig!” The old geezer raised his voice, with one grasp he pulled askew the wig on my head. His face changed from fine weather to rainstorm. He glared at me and angrily rebuked, “You actually let me spend money to touch your wig.”

Regarding dramatic change of situation, my mind instinctively blanked. Subsequently, he teared down my wig. My ear short messy hair was revealed before people. The old geezer flew even more into a rage. His old face wrinkled like an old tree bark – so malevolent that it scared people. He roared, “Call mama-san. You were playing me, Shen Xiao Liu, like with a monkey, weren’t you? This androgynous thing actually dared to come out to escort me.”

I was unable to restrain my anger. You are androgynous, your whole family was androgynous. Yet, in my mind, I sighed. There was nothing to amend the situation. This old geezer forgot to take his medicine when he went out. He was again having an epilepsy.

This was truly a terrible day. Even one good thing didn’t happen.

I coldly watched him having an outbreak, my fists clenching.

Lilisha was a little afraid. She anxiously swept her eyes back and forth over two of us. She thought that I was silent because I was frightened. Little did she know that I was about to grab a pole and start a revolt. She hurried to appease the old geezer with sweet words, “Xiao Shen, ignore Mary. Come, come, touch my hair. Everyone says it’s smooth like a silk.”

The old geezer’s complexion eased a little, but he was still scowling. He suddenly threw the wig onto my body, commanding Lilisha, “Call your mama. I came here to be a god, not spent money to touch a wig.”

To be able to touch my wig and not my fists was already because of good deeds done by your ancestors. I raised my chin and berated in my mind. I took a deep breath, but because I was too angry, no matter what, I couldn’t get myself to calm down.

Lilisha was probably afraid. She quickly left to call mama-san. Following that, mama-san finally made her graceful appearance.

Mama-san, accustomed to this type of situations, easily and skillfully handled the situation. One playful pout, one flirtatious banter plus making up for the scold I have just avoided – a brilliant chrysanthemum bloomed on that old geezer’s bark like face.

Of course, he didn’t let me off so easily. Besides bowing the head and apologizing, he also made me gulp down a big bottle of red wine as mental compensation before chasing me out.

So lets drink. I am not a kid anymore. If one’s able to drink then one doesn’t have to fight.  Fight is no problem but these pieces of thin rags on my body wouldn’t withstand the big movements of my body. I was afraid I’ll turn stark naked if I were to fight, so lets drink instead.

Old fool was satisfyingly watching me drinking till my liver and guts were cut to pieces. With a wave of hand, he allowed me to leave.

I have had enough, too. Drunken, I went out. Direction – washroom. I, agent Fang, was going to grandly throw up.

As I drank this somewhat intense red wine, my liver and guts felt like being cut to pieces for a while. Once I left, it made them being cut to pieces once more time. After I threw up till sky and the earth turned upside down and held on a toilet bowl, I was in a so poor state that it couldn’t get worse.

My body and mind suffered a huge blow. I limped on the edge of toilet, embracing a snow white toilet bowl. I was caught in a deep dilemma that had no boundary.

Old Tan has already said. If I don’t accomplish the mission, I would fail to live up the oath ‘Striving throughout one’s life for people to live in peace and work happily’ I made at the time when I was graduating, and I was not to go back to see him anymore.

I burped. Old Tan, old Tan, thick and solid thighs of Deng Long belong to you, vast men. I have a will but not the strength.

I drank too much. Like a lizard, I stuck on the wall, weakly coming out from washroom – mind dizzy, body wobbling, my feet felt like stepping on floating clouds. I have decided to put troublesome matters to the future for the time being. I have to find a warm place to shelter myself.

Heaven had a mercy on me. Something warm appeared.

A thick suit.

Oh, why can a suit move?

Mmm, a man was actually wrapped inside the suit, a man of flesh and blood.

I blinked several times, narrowing a drunken shortsighted eyes only to notice a few meters from me was a tall and upright man. I wasn’t able to see clearly his appearance. Beneath a faint and ambiguous light, he appeared to share an exclusive qualities of dressed up animal⁹.

Even though at the moment I had an alcohol in my blood surging forward and hooting, couldn’t distinguish god from ghost, but after my whole body shivered for a moment, I felt a blessing has arrived. Heaven, this man before my eyes, could he be the little beast Deng Long?

Similar height and figure and also that feeling of distance and cold arrogance – it made my little undercover agent’s soul ignite.

Translator’s notes:

[1] Comrade is a Chinese slang meaning homosexual

[2]Tigers crouch and dragons hide is a place where excellent people stay quietly, may be used to suggest the presence of exceptionally talented individuals that exist within larger groups, organizations, or companies.

[3] Baidu is a Chinese search engine equal to Google

[4]Drinking lady is a Chinese slang for a hostess/escort

[5] Zhu Ying Tai is the main character from Butterfly lovers – a woman that disguised herself as a man

[6] Liang Shan Bo is the main character from Butterfly lovers – a man that has fallen in love with Zhu Ying Tai without knowing that she was a woman

[7] Xiao Shen Yang is a Chinese actor that got famous after 2009 CCTV New Year’s Gala

[8] Being eaten tofu is a Chinese slang meaning being taken advantage of

[9] Dressed up animal fig. immoral and despicable person

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